


Penguin Entente

by Calliatra



Category: John Finnemore's Double Acts
Genre: Getting Together, Humor, M/M, Misunderstandings, Penguins, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-20 15:20:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17025120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calliatra/pseuds/Calliatra
Summary: On an unclaimed island near the Antarctic Circle, two governors have a chat about penguins. An epilogue.





	Penguin Entente

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rimedio](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rimedio/gifts).



 

ATMOS:                    ON THE SHORE

FX:                            OVER NEXT, BUNNING’S LAUNCH APPROACHES AND LANDS

BUNNING:                 (DISTANT) Ahoy!

SØNDERGAARD:        (CALLING) Ahoy!

BUNNING:                 Request permission to enter Danish territory!

SØNDERGAARD:        Granted! Though if it’s Denmark you’re aiming for, I should warn you that your course is just a bit off.

BUNNING:                  It is not, thank you. I happen to know exactly where I am going.

FX:                            LAUNCH REACHES THE BEACH, BUNNING COMES ASHORE

SØNDERGAARD:        I see you prefer to stay in Britain for now.

BUNNING:                 On the contrary, I have, with your kind permission, come to visit the lovely Danish island of Skarvsten Ø.

SØNDERGAARD:        I fear you are very much mistaken.

BUNNING:                 I am very certain that I am not. You see, not only do have with me a brand new maritime chart which clearly marks this here as Skarvsten Island, I also have on the beach here the governor of Skarvsten Island himself come to welcome me.

SØNDERGAARD:        I understand the confusion, but alas, all I can welcome you to here is British territory, in which I am temporarily residing with the kind permission of the British government.

BUNNING:                 And who would be imprudent enough to give you permission to reside in Britain?

SØNDERGAARD:       The local governor, in fact.

BUNNING:                 Fair enough, I hear he’s a fool about such things. Well, the British government hereby stresses that your visa does not, and indeed _cannot_ grant you permission to stay on this island, because this island is a territory of the Danish crown over which the British government has no jurisdiction whatsoever. But as you’re a Danish citizen on Danish soil, I can only assume all is in order.

SØNDERGAARD:        Well, your facts are entirely wrong, but since your conclusion is correct, I would, unexpectedly, tend to agree. On to the more pleasant things then, yes?

FX:                           OVER NEXT, THEY WALK ACROSS THE BEACH

BUNNING:                 Gladly. Is that stew I smell cooking?

SØNDERGAARD:        It is! And without any seaweed at all, this time.

BUNNING:                 [HUMS APPRECIATIVELY]

SØNDERGAARD:        Well, come on in.

FX:                           THEY ENTER THE HUT

ATMOS:                    THE HUT

BUNNING:                 Any news about the penguins?

SØNDERGAARD:        Quite a lot! For one, three skuas attacked Diana Dors’ nest yesterday.

BUNNING:                 Oh no!

SØNDERGAARD:        Oh yes. But luckily she was joined in the defense by Hedy Lamarr, and, overcoming all the odds, together they managed to chase all three away. It was quite heroic.

BUNNING:                 And her egg?

SØNDERGAARD:        Still safe, and now doubly well guarded.

BUNNING:                 Oh, good.

SØNDERGAARD:        In happier news, Cary Grant finally proposed to Lana Turner.

BUNNING:                 And did she accept?

SØNDERGAARD:        Almost before he started.

BUNNING:                 Ah, marvelous! That was a long time coming, wasn’t it?

SØNDERGAARD:        Very much. I was beginning to think he would never get up the nerve.

BUNNING:                 Nerve-wracking thing, that , you have to admit.

SØNDERGAARD:        Oh, certainly. One risks quite a bruising to the heart. As well as other parts, sometimes... if one is a penguin. But quite worth it in the end, I like to think. If one chooses the right partner.

BUNNING:                 So how does it work, then? A penguin proposal?

SØNDERGAARD:        Well, generally a lancelot penguin first signals his interest to the object of his desire by standing up straight, raising his beak to the sky, and braying.

BUNNING:                 Braying? Like a donkey?

SØNDERGAARD:        Very much like a donkey. A donkey expressing strong disapproval in no uncertain terms.

BUNNING:                 My. And then?

SØNDERGAARD:        Then he bows, and if she bows back, things are looking good for him. They have, as you might say, an understanding. And finally, he presents her with a few of the nicest pebbles he can find.

BUNNING:                 What makes pebbles nice?

SØNDERGAARD:        I’ve no idea. But I have seen many penguins make their way across a whole beach of pebbles and only pick up very select ones. So there must be something that makes specific ones particularly nice.

BUNNING:                 Hm. And so she decides based on the pebbles he offers her?

SØNDERGAARD:        Maybe, maybe not. Who can say? But if she accepts the pebbles, she is accepting him. Which is what happens most of the times they get that far.

BUNNING:                 That’s rather lovely, actually. So then they’re married?

SØNDERGAARD:        Well, after that it follows more of a common-law system, you might say. In essence, if, after their wedding night, neither of them runs away, then they are married.

BUNNING:                 Hm. Pragmatic, certainly. And how often does someone make a run for it?

SØNDERGAARD:        Not often. So far, only ever when Lauren Bacall is involved.

BUNNING:                 Bloody Lauren Bacall.

SØNDERGAARD:        Indeed. But good news overall for all the other penguins. Now, stew?

 

* * *

 

NARRATOR:                A week later.

ATMOS:                      SHORE

FX:                             AS BEFORE, BUNNING’S LAUNCH APPROACHES OVER NEXT

BUNNING:                  (DISTANT) Ahoy!

SØNDERGAARD:         (CALLING) Ahoy!

BUNNING:                  Request permission to enter Danish territory!

SØNDERGAARD:         Granted, but be warned, it’s in the other direction.

FX:                             BUNNING DISEMBARKS ON THE BEACH

BUNNING:                  Well, aren’t you going to welcome me to Denmark.

SØNDERGAARD:         I will when you actually make it to Denmark.

BUNNING:                  I’m standing on Danish territory right now.

SØNDERGAARD:         I’m sorry to tell you that you are not. This is, in fact, the British territory of Goodwill Island. The Danish territory you are looking for begins over there, though between ourselves, I wouldn’t recommend you visit. The cormorants are very possessive.

BUNNING:                  Well, that is deeply nonsensical of course, but as all seems to be in order with little Goodwill Island over there, I think we can overlook it.

SØNDERGAARD:        Excellent! I have stew on, the chess board set up, and many tales of penguins to tell.

  

* * *

 

 

NARRATOR:              An hour later.

ATMOS:                    THE HUT

FX:                            CLICK OF CHESS PIECE BEING MOVED

SØNDERGAARD:        And check.

BUNNING:                 Hm? Oh. Right.

FX:                            CHESS PIECE

SØNDERGAARD:       …Is it possible you have something on your mind?

BUNNING:                 What makes you say that?

SØNDERGAARD:        Well, for one thing, that’s your queen you just tried to move out of check.

BUNNING:                 Ah.

SØNDERGAARD:        I don’t mean to pry.

BUNNING:                 No, no, you’re not. If anything– Well. That is to say– I _have_ been thinking, and, ah, er, wondering if, maybe– purely as an option, I mean, of course, but if you, perhaps, erm–

SØNDERGAARD:        Yes.

BUNNING:                 Yes what?

SØNDERGAARD:        Yes to whatever you are about to ask.

BUNNING:                 You can’t know what I’m going to ask.

SØNDERGAARD:        No. Still, the answer is yes.

BUNNING:                 But I could be asking you to do something outrageous!

SØNDERGAARD:        I’m rather hoping you will.

BUNNING:                 (STUNNED) Oh.

SØNDERGAARD:        Yes.

(PAUSE)

BUNNING:                 …I suppose this is the part where I bow and bray at the sky?

SØNDERGAARD:        You could. Or, and I feel like I should stress that this would be very much my preference, you could just come over here and kiss me.

FX:                            CHAIRS BEING PUSHED BACK, BUNNING MOVING AROUND THE TABLE

FX:                            A LONGISH KISS BEFORE THEY BREAK APART AGAIN

SØNDERGAARD:        (SLIGHTLY OUT OF BREATH) _Excellent_ choice.

BUNNING:                 (SLIGHTLY MORE OUT OF BREATH) God yes.

SØNDERGAARD:        Mmm. …Can I ask you something? Out of pure curiosity?

BUNNING:                 Of course.

SØNDERGAARD:        Why today?

BUNNING:                 Ah, well… I was thinking about what you told me last week, you know, about how penguins propose and so on, and about the problems with the island… and then I finally made the connection.

SØNDERGAARD:       The connection?

BUNNING:                 With the pebbles. And the fact that you actually gave me some rather nice ones. I mean, granted, they shifted the diplomatic interests of both our countries to a nearly disastrous degree, but still. They were very nice pebbles. And of course I didn’t see the meaning at the time, but now that I did, I thought, well…

SØNDERGAARD:       (STARTING TO LAUGH) The chess figures? You thought I was sending you coded messages in penguin?

BUNNING:                …Weren’t you?

SØNDERGAARD:       (STILL LAUGHING) Not intentionally.

BUNNING:                …You mean, you didn’t mean to suggest that I might– that we could–

SØNDERGAARD:       No, _of course_ I did! Just… not with pebbles.

BUNNING:                Oh.

SØNDERGAARD:       Come on, it’s funny! We are so terrible at speaking the same language, but somehow…

BUNNING:                The message gets across.

SØNDERGAARD:       Exactly. For example, if I say there is something I would rather like to get back to…

BUNNING:                …Yes, I suspect we might be able to reach an understanding.

 


End file.
